March 24, 2014
Helping Your Child Discuss Adoption With Their Peers
Family is a big topic of discussion in early education — it’s one thing that all kids have in common, so it’s a great foundation for class discussion, art projects, and infamous sex education classes. But not all children come to the table with the same understanding of adoption that your child has. And conversely, your child might not have encountered as many people who don’t understand adoption as they will once they begin school. At home, you are their buffer, being able to explain adoption to others and raising them in an environment where there’s no question about what adoption is, nor discussion of it as being anything abnormal. Out in the real world though, your child is on their own, responsible for handling inquisitions about your family and adoption without you to have their back. This is nothing to fear though — it’s an excellent educational moment, and it also teaches your child to be proud of and to stand up for who they are.
So for when those tricky moments when your child is asked to explain their own adoption, here are some simple, kid-friendly responses that will come in handy:
1. Do as our friend Betsy Bess’s child does, which she was so kind as to share with us on Facebook. “My mom wanted me so much she had people looking! And when we found each other, we became a forever family.” Love it!
2. If your child is a little older, and they’re comfortable talking about their birth mother, then it’s okay to mention that. “My birth mother needed help taking care of me, so she found my parents and now we’re a family.” If your child has a good relationship with their birth parents, it’s okay to mention that here. “I have two sets of parents who love me!”
3. What if someone asks if you are your child’s real parents? “Yes, they’re my real parents. I’ve been theirs since I was born, and we’ll always be a family.”
4. If you have a transracial family and your child is a different ethnicity than you, this is another thing that could cause questions. If someone asks your child “what they are,” they can reply with this great response, courtesy of Adoptive Families: “I’m American. Just like you.”
5. While inciting discussion is great, your child may not always be in the mood to talk about their adoption, and that’s okay. We don’t always have to make our emotions readily available for everyone, and they should never be forced into discussing something they don’t want to. It’s very important they know that as well. If they’re not up for talking about it, that’s all they have to say — “I don’t really feel like talking about this right now.” A simple change of subject should do the trick.
6. Roll play with your kids. To help them out with answering questions that come up unexpectedly, play a little Q&A game with them where you can help them work through the most positive answers to the types of questions they might receive. This way they can learn about positive adoption language — “placing” instead of “giving up,” “parent” instead of “adoptive parent,” as well as the questions they feel most comfortable answering. Plus it opens up discourse in your own home, keeping you more in tune with your child and the thoughts and feelings they might be having about their own adoption.
