July 18, 2011

“Our Baby”

The relationship between adoptive family and birth mother is delicate to say the least. Of course, it is different for everyone, but there are a few unwritten rules that shouldn’t be ignored most of which are completely based on common sense. All parties involved are nervous, emotional, and sensitive and sometimes common sense gets lost. That is why we are here; to help families and birth parents through the emotional times, the nervousness and to provide guidance when a family begins to refer to their birth mother’s unborn child as “our baby.” Did you hear the brakes on that one? Taking ownership of a child that is not yours will (not can, will) be detrimental to any adoption. Even if the statement isn’t being made directly to your birth mother, the “our baby” disposition will be noticed by her. Not to state the obvious, but the baby has one mother during pregnancy and until that mother terminates her parental rights and is at the point she cannot revoke, that baby still only has one mother. Now, statistics show that once a woman signs, a very small percentage revokes consent and the revocation period becomes just a black hole of time for the adoptive family. The advice we offer regarding addressing the birth mother and her child is not meant to strip the confidence from an adoptive family, it is simply a matter of respect. I mean, you don’t claim you’ve won the lottery without checking your ticket and you don’t buy a house with a salary from a job you might get. So why during the pregnancy of your birth mother would the baby be “your baby?”