birthmother hotline Adoptive Family Help Line

February 10, 2021

Adoption and the Stages of Grief

There is no question that adoption has an emotional impact on birth mothers and birth families. Everyone’s journey is different and unique to them. While families that place their child for adoption experience many emotions, guilt or grief are likely at the forefront. 

Professional psychiatrists liken a birth mother’s post-placement experience to the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance. Each stage has its own level of processing and emotions to consider. 

How might they impact you through your adoption process? 

  • Denial: You’re facing many overwhelming emotions. It may take time to process the reality of the situation and what it means to you. 
  • Anger: Once reality sets in, you may experience feelings of anger. The magnitude of your decision may feel heavier as you start to consider how significantly this decision will change her life.
  • Bargaining: It’s only natural that you find yourself wanting to rethink your decision throughout the process. What might your bargaining look like? It could look like reaching out to adoption professionals or legal experts or making attempts to reach the adoptive family. This is the stage where you want to focus on shedding any guilt you’re carrying around. 
  • Depression: There will be moments of sadness within your adoption journey. At this stage, you may have accepted that this is really happening, but are still seeking the tools to handle and process the adoption emotionally.  
  • Acceptance: There is no timeline for reaching this milestone in the grieving process. You may still feel sadness and guilt, but you can be at peace with your decision and the strength it took to make that decision on behalf of you and your child. 

Remember: Acceptance never means forgotten. Relieving yourself of guilt doesn’t mean that you don’t love your child with everything you have. Once you move through the stages of grief, you deserve to focus on finding happiness in cultivating new relationships, hobbies, and experiences. This never means that you don’t hold a special place in your heart and mind for your child. It means you can move towards peace, which above all, is what you deserve.