May 16, 2013

3 Ways You Can Be A Little Bit More Compassionate To Your Adopted Child Today

In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to lose your temper and to throw yourself into the tension of the situation. I was just talking to my own mom about motherhood this morning – how there is no guidebook for being a parent.  Parents, who have their patience, emotion and will tested every single day, and are still asked to keep their cool and preserve the development and sanctity of this young creature they are bringing into adulthood. Saints, parents are. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t all need a few reminders.

Adopted children have a particular set of weapons they can throw at parents. When your adopted child decides to go for the big guns, here are three tips to help you maintain compassion and continue nurturing your child (even when nurturing is the opposite of what you want to do.)

1. Make sure that every fight is followed by a calm, level-headed conversation.

The heat of the moment is the worst. It’s when your child might say things like, “You’re not my real parent!” or “I wish I lived with my birth parents.” These are, for the most part, words they know will hurt, and are perfect for when they’re so angry that all they want to do is make others hurt they way they do. Responding to that in the moment will never give you the response you want, it will only fuel their fire. Take note of what they said and calmly talk to them afterwards about how it made you feel, and how you wish they’d communicate themselves instead. Anger will rarely affect contrition, but you can go a long way with positive, mutual dialogue. (Plus, who knows what kind of respect it’ll garner you if they think they can’t ruffle your feathers? No one has to know they do. Every day.)

2. Open up the lines of communication.

So your child isn’t talking about much. In fact, they seem pretty angry. It’s likely they’re dealing with issues they don’t know how to articulate. Adjusting to being an adopted child is something that transitions as a child develops. What they understand and accept at five is different than what they will understand and accept at 13 or even 27. Maybe they don’t want to hurt your feelings by bringing up their birth parents or feelings of abandonment. Maybe they are feeling secluded from their native culture and don’t feel like they fit in. Maybe they’re just an angry teen, at the age when everything sucks and nothing feels right. Ask them questions, but don’t interrogate. Show interest and investment in their feelings, but don’t pry. Keep yourself open – don’t aim to rid them of their moodiness, just set the path for them to come to you when they’re ready.

3. Space. Lots of it. They need it.

Kids, teenagers especially, need space. And while it is hard – you want to show them how much you love them by trying to spend as much time with them as possible – sometimes they just don’t want to hang out with mom and dad. And not because they don’t love you, but because as a teenager, they have better things to do. And that’s okay. Give them that space, even though it’s hard. They’ll thank you for it later and, chances are, it will make you closer.