August 08, 2012
Birth Mothers: How Do You Deal With The Grief?
There are few things more empowering than the story of a birth mother who has placed a child for adoption, and then continues on to spread love, joy and wellness into the world. One of those women is Deborah, who has a blog called A Birth Mother’s Love: Experiences of my Adoption Journey. It’s a beautiful space that shares so many wonderful, thoughtful stories about what it’s like to place a child and all of the ways in which is changes your life forever.
Deborah recently posted a response to a woman who contacted her and asked her advice for dealing with an adoption in the months and years after. Her response was so poignant and loving that we just had to share some of it. For the rest of Deborah’s insightful advice, visit her blog! It’s a wonderful resource for birth parents and adoptive parents alike. After all, we’re all in this together.
__________________
Talk about your baby. I took every chance I could to talk about B to any trusted ear that would listen. Sometimes I think my friends and family got weary of my repeated stories, but telling other people about B’s first blow out really kept him real for me. It was healing. It fulfilled that motherly desire to talk about my child and marvel at every cute little first. The people who would marvel with me will never know how much they meant to me and how instrumental they were in my healing.
Cry. It’s ok to cry. It’s good to get it out. There were days I cried until I didn’t have any tears left and all I could do was lay there motionless and numb. I was purging that pain until I couldn’t feel it anymore and THAT felt good.
Fake it. Put on a smile and tell yourself you are going to pretend to be happy today. Some days I would have to get up and make the conscious decision, “Deborah, you are going to pretend to be happy today.” It was all I could to to sit in a room and half smile instead of bursting into tears. I hate it when people know that I am sad. And I hate crying in front of people. So I would fake it. And actually….It really helped. And then eventually I had to pretend less and less.
Make yourself laugh. Release those much needed endorphins. Force yourself to go to a comedy. Spend more time with your silly friends. Or one of my favorites is to stand in front of the mirror and let out your best belly laugh. It may sound strage but it works. Don’t be embarrassed because it’s just you. Eventually you’ll feel so silly that your laugh turns into a real one.
Visit A Birth Mother’s Love to read her last 6 pieces of advice — not to be missed.