February 04, 2016

Giving Your Child Their Independence

Times have changed. When we were kids, we were allowed to ride our bikes wherever we wanted. There weren’t cell phones with GPS constantly at the ready, text messaging to let our parents know exactly where we were, and there wasn’t this widespread fear about letting kids do things outside by themselves. Kids are spending more time indoors than ever, connected to devices rather than to other human beings, and freedom isn’t as commonplace as it used to be. It’s a huge struggle for modern-day parents. How do we give our children their independence while also making sure that they’re safe? (And making sure we don’t have to freak out every time they leave the house!)

Part of it is establishing trust. Trust requires…well, trust. Which is an exercise in faith. Every once in a while, if your child asks to do something that scares you, let them. Does your seven year-old want to use the stove? Does your nine year-old want to try bike riding by themselves for a minute? There are a million reasons why you may want to shout, “No way!” But how are they going to learn to use more dangerous appliances, or take care of themselves on a solo bike ride, unless they’re given the space to do it?

First, establish the ground rules. Teach your young child how to make a grilled cheese, or use the oven, but set the rule that until they’re a certain age they’re not allowed to do it alone. Because it won’t be entirely off-limits, they’ll feel like they’re allowed to do a more grownup activity, while you have the safety of knowing that you can supervise and teach them how to do it properly. When it comes to bike riding, walking to the bus stop, or enjoying other outdoor activities without you, set rules about checking in. If they’ve arrived at their destination, a simple text saying they’re safe. Or, if they’re going to be gone for a longer period of time, making sure they check in every 30 or 60 minutes. Not only are you giving them the space to do something they really want to do, but you’re teaching them how to accomplish things with a bit of independence. Which is what we want as parents, right? Ultimately, the act of letting go is just as much for us as it is for them.

As they get older, let them partake in errands or activities by themselves. I’ll never forget how cool I felt when, at ten years old, my mother let me walk with my sister to the movie theatre in our small town and see a movie all by ourselves. I felt so adult, being in charge of my sister, getting to do something I’d never done alone. I wouldn’t have dared violate the trust she put in me. I wanted to do that again!

Sleepaway camp, overnights with new friends, being dropped off a restaurant for a dinner without parents, a two-hour trip at the mall. These are all things your child is going to want to do at some point. Showing them you trust them to do these things without you is a huge eye-opener for them. If you lead with it, rather than them having to talk you into it all the time, you’re communicating to them how much you trust them. They’re going to come to value their independence and the people who gave it to them, rather than defensively feeling like they have to fight for it. And you don’t have to feel like you’re giving up everything at once. Mistakes teach incredible lessons. But kids can’t make them unless they’re given the space to do so.