July 16, 2015
How to Support New Adoptive Parents
Adoption is more popular than ever, but that doesn’t mean that it’s entirely understood. Its own culture on many levels, the adoption world is one that’s foreign to so many. And because of that, often adoptive parents can feel a bit stranded. Here they are, engulfed in this giant, life-changing experience, but feeling as if they’re living on an island where those around them don’t quite understand what’s going on. For those of you who have new or prospective adoptive parents in your lives, we have some tips for how to best support them as they’re beginning and move forward with their adoption journey.
1. Be comfortable with listening. There’s a lot of confusing, emotional stuff that goes along with adoption. It’s expensive, there’s a chance it couldn’t go through, there’s the waiting game once you are matched. This is a journey chock full of emotions, and the last thing any adoptive parent needs is someone trying to compare their experience to something that doesn’t at all relate (i.e.: pregnancy.) The adoptive parents in your lives are likely stressed, worried, nervous, and incredibly emotional. And as much as you love them, it’s not your job to solve their problems or try to make them “feel normal.” Be an ear. Listen. Support silently, but with compassion. This will mean the world.
2. Throw an adoption shower! Bottom line: all new parents need the support of their community and resources to help raise their new little one, no matter how that baby comes into their lives. Gather people together, throw a shower, load up the parents-to-be with all the love and support you can give.
3. Once the baby arrives, give them some space. This is a huge moment. They’ve waited for who knows how long, they’ve likely endured a stressful period and waiting game while parental rights were terminated and everything was finalized legally. If they adopted from another state, they’ve been in limbo somewhere that’s not their home, adjusting to a their new normal in a world that’s anything but. When they come home they will likely be craving space to spend time together as a new family. In the right situation, a bit of loving distance means the world.
4. Don’t try to compare their experience to anything. Adopting is not like pregnancy, and it’s not a substitute for pregnancy. There’s no need to make comparisons to the two, or to try and make comparisons to anything at all. Their experience is unique, personal, entirely their own. Don’t feel a need to relate to it on your level, or any other level. Be present in what they’re going through and let that speak for itself.
5. Use positive adoption language. There’s a lot of negative adoption language out there. Words and phrases that put aspects of the adoption world in a bad light, and that are insensitive to the realities of the situation are really distancing, and can be very isolating to adoptive parents. Here’s a newsletter we wrote on positive adoption language last summer. A little bit of research will go a long way. Using the correct language is a kind, empathetic gesture towards people who deserve all the love they can get.