September 05, 2015

Nurturing Your Open Adoption

Being in an open adoption is wonderful. It is love-filled, soul-charging, life-changing, and totally enervating. And, just like any other relationship, it’s a great deal of work. To expect that it will all fall into place naturally is to put unfair expectations on a bond that needs to be nourished and nurtured. It’s a process that will evolve over time, and likely encounter the same highs and lows that any other relationships do. So what are some ways in which you can nurture your open adoption?

1. Stick to your agreement. One of the most important things to remember is that if you have agreed on something with your birth mother, you have to follow through. Whether it’s letters and pictures, visits, phone calls, holidays spent together, or promised updates of any kind, you have to commit, and continue committing, to your end of the deal. There may be times you don’t want to, or that it’s not convenient, but building a relationship is about trust, and your child’s birth mother chose you because they trusted you. The best and most fundamental way to honor and keep that trust is to maintain the relationship you agreed on during your adoption process.

2. Honesty. This is vital. In any relationship, honesty is the key to success. Even if it’s hard, even if you’re frustrated, saying what you feel and what you’re thinking is the best way to keep your open adoption happy, healthy, and on the same page. If things are moving in a way that make you uncomfortable, if you or your child are having any doubts, if they feel you’re pulling back, if you feel something has changed — say something. The only way you can work through your problems is by acknowledging they exist and finding a solution to work through them.

3. Lead with empathy. The adoption process is a deeply emotional one, and there’s no doubt that situations will arise that will test your emotions, bring out frustrations, or cause your emotions to reign supreme. Sometimes you will do things your birth mother doesn’t understand, and other times she will do things you don’t understand. When that happens, the best thing to do is take a step back and try to imagine the situation outside yourself. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt and practice a bit of patience. It may feel difficult in the moment, but it will give you a valuable perspective, and the compassion you show will not be lost on the other person.

What are some ways in which you nurture your open adoption?