February 10, 2016

That First Birth Mother Call

It’s a nerve-wracking one, isn’t it? But now that open adoption is overwhelmingly the norm, it’s a reality more and more adoptive parents are facing: the first time they talk to their child’s birth mother, or potential birth mother, on the phone. What do you say? What don’t you say? How do you respond? Should you talk less, listen more? Did you offend them? HOW DO WE DO THIS?! Take a deep breath, step back, and know that it’s going to be just fine! It’s an exciting part of the process, an opportunity for you to really get to know each other’s personalities, struggles, and desires, and it benefits from as much honesty and compassion as you can give it. Here are a few tips for making the most of that first call:

Don’t talk about money. It’s a sticky, tricky subject, and you don’t need to get into this on the first call. Additionally, that conversation should be going through your adoption specialist — they navigate those details. If it does come up, say something affirming but simple like, “We want to help you in any way we can, so we will work with the agency to ensure you have the support you need.” That way you confirm you do want to help and support without getting into the nitty-gritty of numbers in the first call.

Come prepared! It’s okay if there are a few awkward moments. It’s a scary, heart-on-the-line situation for both of you and nerves will certainly be at play. Make sure you have a few questions and talking points prepared beforehand. That way if there is a moment where the conversation halts, you can jump in with a question, or a story or thought to share about yourself. Even if the conversation flows beautifully, it’s still good to have some questions prepared beforehand so you know what you want to learn about her, what’s important to cover, and don’t forget the things about you and your family you want her to know as well.

Don’t over-talk. The birth mother is in such a vulnerable place, and it’s easy for the women to feel as if they’re just a means to an end, rather than the blessedly vital and cherished part of the adoption triad they really are. Even if she’s not asking as many questions as you’d like, make sure you don’t take over the whole entire conversation. You want her to feel important, special, and like what she says matters — because it does. If you take over the conversation she may feel like her thoughts and voice aren’t a priority. It’s sensitive territory and you want to make sure you navigate it thoughtfully.

Be honest. Honesty is the absolute key to success in any birth parent/adoptive parent relationship. It’s not your job to please her on every level, and vice versa. You both are seeking a compatible match that fulfills everything you want from your adoption plan. This is forever, and it’s not fair to either of you to say things or agree to things you don’t really mean or feel comfortable with. Just as you want her to be honest about everything you ask, she deserves the same respect. It is the cardinal rule of this process.