July 10, 2015

Things Not To Say To An Adoptive Parent

If you’ve at all been involved in the adoption world, chances are you’ve heard some pretty ignorant stuff. Whether you’re an adoptee, adoptive parent, birth mother, or adoption professional, it’s amazing the assumptions people make about adoption — or the tasteless things they feel they have a right to say. We know these things are not often said in malice, but their tone-deafness can be hurtful. These lists can never get circulated quickly enough, so here are some things you really shouldn’t say to a family who has adopted.

1. Now that you’ve adopted, you’ll probably get pregnant!

This type of comment makes all sorts of assumptions — that they chose adoption because of infertility, that an adopted child is not as wanted, valued, or loved as a biological child, or that another child is even desired at all. What if one child through adoption was all the couple ever hoped and dreamed for? It’s also so disrespectful to the adoptee. As if they’ve arrived, and now some weird twist of fate will allow their parents to have a child the way they always wanted to. It’s common to use jokes as a fall back for trying to relate or make light of something you don’t understand…this isn’t the joke to make.

2. Are your kids related?

Yes they’re related. They’re siblings. They share the same parents, the same family, the same home. Why does it matter if they’re blood-related, or if they came from separate birth parents? Asking this question disrespects the natural bond of the family, and makes the assumption that you could only be related by blood. As families all over the world are showing us, that simply isn’t true.

3. So what if they want to meet their real parents?

Hi yes, here we are! See us? We’re their real parents. We parent them. They are ours. Next question.

4. That was amazing of to adopt him/her.

Adoption isn’t an act of charity. We love our child. This is our family. Please don’t act like we’re saints. That’s not at all the point of adoption. And we are normal parents, the way that everyone else is.

 5. What’s wrong with their birth parents? Does your child have any issues from them?

So your family has no issues at all? That’s incredible! You must be the very first family in the history of the world to have no issues at all. There is absolutely nothing “wrong” with our child’s birth parents, and please don’t make the assumption that because they placed a child for adoption they must have something wrong with them. We didn’t prey into their lives just as much as we wouldn’t pry into yours. And how would you feel if we asked if your child “has issues?” Seems a bit personal, and a little unnecessary, don’t you think?

We could go on forever, but these are ones that really frustrate us. Have you ever been asked any of these questions? How did you respond?